It was in 1989, having graduated from college, I embarked on a career in grocery retail. After surviving a crash course on grocery manager skills, my first night as being the M.O.D. (Manager on Duty) had finally arrived. As the store manager left for the night he said “Don’t worry… if anything goes wrong, you got Marvin working with you, and he is our best security guard.” As he walked out the door it was now my first time flying solo.
The first few hours went very smoothly. Around 5:30, the evening rush was in full effect. Then things started to unravel. Marvin walked up to me and said “I’m going to need your help, I am about to arrest a shoplifter and he is a pretty big guy”. Following Marvin, we approached a gentleman who looked like an offensive lineman for the Washington Redskins.
The man immediately pulled out a huge can of Starkist tuna out of his sweater and said “you got me” and without putting up any resistance allowed us to escort him to the backroom. When we got the shoplifter to the backroom, Marvin handcuffed him to the meat cooler door, and I called the police so they could come get the shoplifter.
As we waited for the police, we got called to the front for customer service. I started to ring up an order as Marvin bagged the order. I then saw Marvin shaking his head, just then, a lady at the back of the line, jumped out of the line and started running to the back of the store. Marvin started giving chase, I left my customer and ran after them.
As we chased her, we saw her reaching into her big bag she was carrying, and started throwing Heineken beer bottles on the floor and saying “These are not mine…these are not mine”. After catching up to her, we escorted her to the backroom. Since Marvin’s handcuffs were on the Starkist Man, the Heinken Lady was told to sit on a chair and wait for the police. When the Heineken Lady heard the word “police” she became very upset and fell down on the backroom floor and started crying hysterically. As she was crying, I noticed another customer was walking in the backroom. “What are you doing with my sister” she asked. When I told her we were waiting for the police, the sister joined Heineken Lady on the floor and started crying even more than the Heinken Lady.
As the two sisters continued to cry, our sleeping giant seemed to wake up. The Starkist Man said “You need to get them ladies off the floor”. At which point Marvin, the security guard, shook his head and said “If they want to get up, that is fine, but I am not helping them get up”. This seemed to make the Starkist Man very mad.
Being handcuffed to the meat cooler door, he started yanking on the door and screaming he was going to kick Marvin’s butt when he got loose. At this time the first police officer arrived in the backroom. When he saw the Heineken Lady and her sister crying on the floor, and the giant Starkist Man about to rip the meat cooler door off its hinges….he called for backup.
What happened next was like the scene in Christmas Vacation, when the police raid Clark Griswald’s house at the end of the movie. Police officers started showing up everywhere, through both doors of the backroom, through the meat prep room, through the produce prep room, the deli prep room and even pounding on the backdoor.
About four officers approached the Starkist Man, they turned him around and started to uncuff him from the meat cooler door. As they took the handcuffs off, they told the Starkist Man…”If you move in a hostile way, we will treat that as an act of aggresion and we will hurt you”. The Starkist Man started to calm down, and was escorted to an awaiting police car. Another officer grabbed the Heineken Lady.
As we all walked to the front of the store, I noticed the parking lot. It looked like the end of a Die Hard movie, at least 10 police cars with their lights going, heck even the K-9 unit had arrived. As I watched them leave the store, I noticed my customer still standing at my register…”Its about time you came back ” she said. Later that night, the store manager called to check up on me, I told him about the Starkist Man and Heineken Lady, and he said…..”So you had a normal night”…as I hung up the phone…… I thought if this is a normal night….I do not want to see this place when things get really crazy.
Hilarious and awesome, loved the giggle. Voted up.
Hey mrshoki ….thanks for the visit and the comment. Very glad to see you got a laugh out of my page
I love this!! I worked in retail for 15 years. As I read this it brought to mind many funny stories of shoplifters over the years. thank you for the laugh. Voted up funny and awesome
Hey RhondaH …I am sure after 15 years of grocery retail you have some very memorable stories as well….the store in this story was so crazy….I sometimes felt like a stand up comedian for my friends…as they always wanted to know what was the latest incident at the store…..thanks for stopping by.
Cogerson…I know what you mean. This was always a topic when we had company. (BTW..I was in clothing retail)
Hey Rhonda….thanks for the update….if you spend enough time in retail you will have lots to talk about with non-retail people.
I loved it! Too funny. I worked as a grocery checker and this guy was stealing 1 bag of diapers and pushing a cart full of beer to his car like he paid for it.We all laughed 1 lousy little bag of diapers, but enough beer for a year! People are nuts and did you notice things got crazier on full moon nights!Loved it!
Hey Rusti M …..the old fill the cart and walk right out the door like you do not have a care in the world actually works pretty well…especially if the store is busy. Diapers and beer a nice combo….I think the diapers were for sympathy if he got caught…lol. Thanks for the comment and the visit.
engrossed till the last word, I solemnly promise to read all your hubs, natural style, touch wood and have a nice day.
Hey Deepa Venkitesh…..thanks for the very kind words and for the visit…they are both greatly appreciated.
I just laughed so hard a this! Naive little me expected you to be an overnight manager chatting with the man from the Starkist company who came to stock the shelves! This is way more interesting.
Hey EllaBee….very glad to hear my hub was able to provide you a laugh….I wish the Starkist Man would have been a vendor…but that would have not been as memorable….thanks for the visit.